We’re knocking on the door of a new year, so it’s list season, for better or worse. Rather than swim against the current, I’ll join in. In my opinion, it’s high time for a list of things not invited back to 2010. Here are my let’s-leave-it-in-2009 candidates. Enjoy.
Comcast, you and me are through. Oh, I know, you’ve provided me with years of passable high-speed internet service, but you know what? I just shaved 65% off of my combined phone/internet/TV bill by ditching your useless Crippled Basic Cable TV service and all-you-can-eat long distance digital voice. My 21st-century-rabbit-ears-and-government-subsidized-digital-tuner handle the former, and my mobile phone handles the latter, just fine, thanks.
Furthermore, as you may or may not have noticed, anything and everything I could want to watch in the way of TV shows is now available online or on Netflix, at my convenience and on my schedule. There’s more to watch than there is free time to watch it. It’s just that *almost none* of it is on your crappy basic cable channel lineup. Channel surfing is so 20th century.
And you know what else? I know exactly what you’re up to when you buy NBC-Universal the same day that you start a “voluntary pilot program” metering bandwidth use in Portland. I can see where this is going, and I don’t like it one bit.
Old Media Whining about New Media Eating Their Lunch
“Complain” is not on the list. (Nor is “summon monsters”, so don’t go running to Congress trying to get your antiquated business model protected as a historic structure or something cute like that).
There is no more “information overload” now than there was pre-Internet. The problem is that our filters are broken or not properly configured.
For generations, we’ve been processing the equivalent of terabytes of unwanted data in the form of billboards, radio and television commercials, bad stand-up comedy, and interminable anecdotes from co-workers. Despite this deluge, we’ve managed to adapt psychological coping mechanisms that have kept most of us out of the looney bin.
To complain that having a few inboxes to check and text messages to respond to is some kind of hardship is a rather entitled and self-centered point of view. Rather, consider thanking the bright folks who keep coming up with new ways for you to filter all of this wonderful content coming your way — they’re making it easier to ignore the sources of noise mentioned above. And I don’t know about you, but being bombarded by a stream of information from people I know and care about that forces me to ignore the stream of information from people trying to sell me something is progress in my book. Bring on the overload.
We are not in the military. The client is not a general (thank god).
“Social Media Strategy”
I don’t want to “engage” with your “brand”. I want to buy shit from you. Maybe. We will, in time, look back and laugh at the notion of corporations spending good money trying to buy a soul in the form of “social media strategic consulting” from some expert.
Oh, hell. Why wait. Let’s laugh now.
Big, ugly, plastic sunglasses. On men.
Seriously. Can “sleazy chic” die forever now? Because it’s really, really just sleazy.
Cutesy Job Titles, Descriptions, and/or Requirements
Let us have no more posts seeking “Ninja” this or “Rock Star” that, unless they involve, respectively, killing people, or playing the guitar and dating supermodels. Because you know what? Building Flash-based websites requires neither the use of throwing stars, nor Marshall stacks.
OK, throwing star push pins, maybe. But lets keep it non-lethal, kids…
OK, that’s it. I’m done complaining, and I’m ready for the rush of pure joy as we turn over the odometer, clean the slate, hit the reset button, and retread all the tired old renewal metaphors once again. Breath in, breath out. Wax on, wax off. See you on the other side.